By now you may have heard Mattel’s announcement* of the largest change to its biggest toy in the history of the brand, and it is this: Barbie now has many faces. These are not Barbie’s friends/neighbors/little sisters, they are the original Barbie 100%, just with more skin tones and heights and hair styles and body shapes. But they’re all still Barbie, the real Barbie, the true Barbie.

And yeah, Barbie’s whole narrative biography hasn’t really ever made sense, what with the multiple careers requiring multiple degrees and the mansion-ownership at the ripe age of… 23? 19? 25? I literally don’t know how old she is. But Pet Doctor Barbie (Doctor of Veterinary Medicine) and Teacher Barbie (MS, Elementary Ed.) and Designer Barbie (MA, Design) are just job titles (and years worth of educational training), not a description of self. Barbie has always been a single human being. Sometimes she got bangs or had her hair crimped or changed her eyeliner. But the being known as Barbie has been constant: she has always been a young woman with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a CV the length of Tolstoy’s shortest novel.

And now? She remains Barbie, we are told, but a Barbie for a New Age: a single human being who inhabits multiple body shapes with multiple skin tones and multiple hair styles with multiple foot sizes. But no single human being can exist in multiple places at once, and thus, other options must apply.

Some possibilities for the what, exactly, New Barbie may be (and what, exactly, she may be planning):

1) Deity

Much as Zeus appeared to his many sexual partners as many different things (Zeus was into some pretty kinky shit) perhaps this new Barbie is a goddess, appearing to us as not a stag, not a swan, but a rainbow of young human women, capable of great things and also wearing super cute tops. We may only hope that, while Zeus sought to stick his dick into as many human women as possible, New Barbie only seeks to befriend as many human girls as possible.

That sounded way less creepy in my head.

Then, how shall we worship this Goddess Barbie? Shall we offer her sacrifices of single plastic high-heeled shoes still inexplicably in the corners of our childhood closets? Shall we establish a colony of vestal virgin G.I. Joes? Upon what altar shall we sacrifice the Ken?Bounty be to the Goddess Barbie, that she may guide us in the ways of female friendships forevermore.

2) Hive-being

Barbie as you knew her is no more. Barbie has transcended the singular and is now a plural, a collective, a multitude crying out with infinite voices but only one message: PLAY WITH ME. LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND.

MY NEW HAIRCUT IS SUPER CUTE.

Barbie is no longer she, she is we, she is they, and they wish for it to be playtime.

3) Computer program made flesh

Plurality? Please. How pleasantly démodé. Have you heard about the Singularity, the hot new trend that’s sweeping the nation?

Oh yes. Ever since the latest software updates were installed onto every cloud-connected computer, phone, tablet, and wifi-enabled device, the moment of the release of the Barbie has been anticipated by all, but known by very few.

Barbie is no longer a girl, no longer a Pet Doctor, no no. Or rather, she remains a Pet Doctor, but also aggregates all of the data surrounding Pet Doctoring, including all patient files from the dawn of time. She is no longer just a Scientist: indeed Barbie holds the launch codes for all nations in the palm of her hand.

4) A successful(?) human cloning project

Barbie is the next step in the progression of human evolution. Much like the Dolly sheep before her, the Barbie Girls are the result of intense scientific research hell-bent on maintaining human diversity in an ever resource-depleted planet. Barbie is just like you (just like me!), except better. She is genetically superior in every way, with new levels of increased sun-resistance and greater stores of body-fat.

Very soon, the regular breeding as carried out by non-clone humans will no longer be required, and all will rejoice in the next generation of Barbies, ideally suited for the world to come.

The world won’t end, no, don’t worry. At least, not for Barbie.

*Here's a thing, though. Mattel doesn't have a press release on the change available on their website. What?